It’s 11am on New Year’s Day 2016 here in India and last night I had a lovely time at a fancy hotel who had a fireworks display at midnight. I was struck by a deep sense of gratitude and joy for another year of this adventure called ‘my life’.
When I think back to the place of despair I was in 7 years ago when I realised (rather late at 44!) that I wasn’t going to be a mother, I could never have anticipated the extraordinary transformational journey my grief would take me on.
In many ways now, at 51, I feel like the person I was meant to be all my life. It hasn’t been easy and at one point (around 5 years ago) I felt there was really nothing left in my life to let go of, so tested was I by grief: children, husband, romance, friends, health, home, money, work, beliefs, hopes… it seemed no matter what I tried to cling onto from my ‘old life’, eventually I had to let it go.
I won’t lie, it wasn’t ‘fun’ and it didn’t feel like ‘transformation’ – it felt like every single thing in my life had gone to shit and I had absolutely no fucking idea how I was going to cope anymore. But underneath it all, eventually, there was something… I think of it as the diamond in the rubble and once everything not needed for the onwards voyage had been burnt away, slowly, she began to shine again. And since then, that light in me has got brighter and brighter and I recognise it as the part of me that I knew as a child before puberty. An optimistic, playful, creative soul who saw so much pain in the world, but so much joy too, and wanted to make a difference.
And here we all, making a difference to each other and who knows how your healing from the heartbreak of childlessness will evolve in your life, and how that healing will influence and inspire those around you.
Because, when we let our light shine, it always helps others too, sometimes in ways will we never know.
My heart is full of the joy and pain of each of us beautiful lights in the darkness. May we light each other’s way in 2016 with tenderness and sisterhood.
Happy New Year.
Love, Jody x