It’s the second Sunday of May in the US, the flowers are blooming, and the call to be in nature is strong. It’s also the day we honor and celebrate the mothers in our lives. But what if the day comes with grief?
As an infertile woman, that’s precisely what comes: the grief of the life I never got. It’s something I thought I’d “get over.” Years later, I realized this might not be something I ever get over. With that simple acknowledgment, I allowed myself to feel the grief.
This doesn’t mean it feels good. To be clear, it hasn’t felt good in the last five years since deciding to stop trying, and it felt even worse for the eight years of trying before that. It’s not that simply acknowledging the pain takes it away. Instead, it makes room for it.
I love my life without children, and Mother’s Day can be a painful reminder of what I don’t have. I hold each feeling in different hands because both can be true at the same time.
Each year is different, meaning my experiences have changed, and the tools that once worked might not anymore. And I’m still me, through it all. Every year, a new version of myself evolves, bringing new strengths and weaknesses.
Honoring myself, in the way I currently am, brings me back to allowing space for the grief, space for myself. It’s been my way to love my past, the stories I carry, and the future self coming up.
Letting go of motherhood has given me a grief I’ll carry forever. It’s also given me a version of myself to explore and love, the older I get. That is something worth celebrating.
CARRIE HAUSKENS is a freelance writer based in Northern California who writes vulnerably and authentically about infertility and the many tangents that radiate from it. Carrie and her husband are childless after eight years of trying to conceive, multiple miscarriages, working with surrogates, and delivering their stillborn daughter. Carrie embodies all things grief and infertility-based and has been a guest speaker at the Sharing Parents Memorial, the Infertile AF Summit and the Childless Collective Summit, and has published articles in The MAPS Institute and Tutum Journal. Carrie’s first career was in education, where she focused on teaching writing skills and incorporating social and emotional learning techniques. She’s also studied with the School of American Thanatology, which focuses on the science of death, dying, grief, loss, and bereavement. Carrie shares soulful, tender, amusing, relatable and uplifting video and written content about her ‘childfree after infertility’ life on her Instagram @bloomingwithcare. Her website is: https://www.bloomingwithcare.com/
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