13 Comments on Life Isn’t Fair

  1. Hi

    I stumbled upon your website today. It does so make sense because I do so know all of this and I somehow was blessed in the way that the realization that it is all ok came to me some years ago – I’m married to a great guy – been married for 11 years – I am coming up to my 42nd birthday this month. My husband cannot have children and didn’t want to adopt either and it hurt for a long time. Grieving is necessary and it takes time to get over it but once you realize that life is still good and there is so much more to experience in life then life becomes fair again!!! Not to say the hurt goes away – it always remains there but it is not your constant companion anymore.

    • Hi Marian and thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m so glad you’ve found Gateway Women and also glad that you have obviously come a long way in processing the grief of unchosen childlessness. I agree that the hurt never completely goes away but for me, it’s a part of me, and a part of me that I cherish as it reminds me of the love I had for my unborn children. Just as I still feel a twinge of loss when I see someone who reminds me of a dear friend who died many years ago, it’s part of who I am. Best wishes for your upcoming birthday. Hugs, Jody x

  2. The Buddhists say – pleasure is not a reward; pain is not a punishment: they just are.
    Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche quote.
    True – its accepting this that takes time. Pressures from society makes things difficult eg the assumptions that:
    We are all healthy and able bodied
    We are employed
    We are happily partnered (or partnered at all)
    We will live to our 80s
    That we will have children
    Families all get on together
    That Christmas is a wonderful time.
    So on and so on. Yeah right!!

  3. I think the incident that hurt me the most was when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 37. We told the parents that had children in the out of school program where I worked because I was going to be losing my hair and their children might ask questions. I overheard them telling one mother whose sole comment was, “Well at least she doesn’t have children.” Talk about feeling devalued.

  4. Why didn’t I see this before,love it…great one Jody.NO its not bloody fair.I just like that list, it almost made me laugh..and those unfair childhood memories.We just put up with things as we get older and then realise how unfair it all is…Good point.I suppose, like the teacher said. Just realising….and that other great one liners my Nana used to use ‘Theres always someone worse off than you’

  5. Thanks, Jody – you have a great way of putting things. My Mum always emphasised that we need to be thankful for all the good things in life (and she had lots of unfair things to deal with). She was always so grateful for the love of family and friends. Most days I seem to have picked up her positive outlook, but I think I will always need reminding that it is not personal, and not my doing/ my fault. I am so glad I have found the GW community!

  6. It’s been tough for me to come to terms with life not being fair, but since I acknowledged it I have been better able to deal with my unfairness (miscarriages). Focussing on the unfairness meant I wasn’t noticing the many wonderful things in my life. Another great posting, Jody

  7. I love this post jody. Yes life isn’t fair is it, but as you said nature isn’t fair, nothing’s fair! But this post also made me think of the more fair things I’ve had in life too. Thank you x

  8. I am still shocked that I’m 60 and didn’t have children with my husband! I never asked myself what I really wanted and now that I realize that I wanted a family all along it’s to late. Talk about unfair! We have 2 dogs and I rescued a horse but it’s not the same as having children (I think). I’ m so sad every day. It’s a very deep depression. I pray that I can come out of it one day. All of your postings about different perspectives and feelings help a lot. I know I’m not alone. It just seems like it. Thank you Jody for your website!

  9. Dear god Jodie you’ve got to the nub of it, and talked it through so helpfully for me…thank you! That’s what hurts the most, the fact that others got the gift and I didn’t. And accepting that unfairness is part of life helps take the sting away. It’s not because I didn’t deserve it. It just is. And it sucks. But it is. That’s life… And hell, thank god, I’m not the antelope! Always small mercies!

  10. I waited and waited for the right guy before I got married. My priority was a healthy marriage and I figured if children came with it, it would be a bonus. I was 38 and he was 48. And a year in I caught the baby bug and he admitted that he liked our life as just us two (and he already has a child from his first marriage). He is definitely the guy for me (and after therapy with him discussing this issue I’ve just about made my peace with it) but I’ve been busy beating myself up ever since over the choices I’ve made to get to this point. I don’t know what’s more painful – that life isn’t fair or my self-judging!

    This post brings up a lot of emotions. One of them, I have to admit, is relief. It’s not all my fault? Maybe I should ease up a bit on myself.

    • Thanks for the post. It’s very true, although hard to accept. For some reason, I thought exactly as you describe in the post and tried to do all the right things and to be responsible. I may have left it too late now, but that is life, and I remind myself that I am not the only one and that there is more to life.

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